I recently lost a cousin. We just got back from his funeral in Laramie, Wyoming. Now, as you all know, I'm not a huge fan of death. Ha! That's the understatement of the year. But, his death was by his own hand, so I'm really having a tough time dealing with it. I know he'd been depressed for quite some time, but I never truly believed it would ever come to this. Jim always had a smile on his face, always acted like he was having the time of his life, and always treated everyone as his friend. To know that he was battling demons inside himself that whole time makes me incredibly sad. It's heartbreaking.
Losing a family member or friend is always a difficult thing to deal with. Immeasurably so. But, when it's so unexpected, you have no time to prepare for the aftermath. The grief and anger can be palpable. You don't have an answer to the riddle, and you can go mad trying to figure it out. What could have been said or done? In the end, probably nothing. And, that's what hurts the worst, I think. Knowing that somebody felt so badly and then felt this was the only way to ease the pain makes it almost unbearable. Knowing that somebody I love felt this way and there was nothing to help them breaks my heart. I hate knowing that somebody I love is in pain, so knowing that Jim was in so much pain that he felt the need to leave this world tears me apart.
I feel that a family is a giant jigsaw puzzle. All the pieces come together to make a beautiful picture. You can always add more family members to the puzzle, they just create a larger landscape. But, if you lose a family member, you lose a piece of the puzzle. And, the picture will never be whole again. You can see the picture without that piece, but your eyes are always drawn to the empty space. Losing Jim is that way to me. He was a piece of my family's puzzle, but his loss has left an empty space that can never be filled again. I so want that piece of the puzzle back. My family doesn't feel whole anymore. And although I hadn't seen him much in my lifetime because he lived so far away, knowing that I'll never see him again makes my heart ache.
Jim was one-of-a-kind. He viewed the world a little differently than everyone else, but that's what made him a beautiful human being. He could make you laugh with his stories or comments, or sometimes just a look he'd have on his face. I wish he hadn't felt the need to leave us so soon, but I know he's truly at peace now. And, looking down on us with a smile on his face. Just like he did in life.
I miss you Jim, and I'll love you forever. Like my brother said, I'll see you on the other side. Can't wait to hear the stories you have to tell. I'm sure they'll be some good ones.
