Rock-A-Bye

I don't know when the precise moment actually occurred. I'm not sure how I missed it. But, at some point in time, Sofia got too big for my lap. At one point, I could rock her in my chair, my arms around her, nose in her hair, breathing her in. Then, in a blink, we didn't both fit in the rocking chair anymore. In a heartbeat, our time was up.

 I know it probably happened around the time she stopped taking naps. I don't remember her exact age, but I remember a bit of relief when we decided to drop her naps completely, because it was always such a battle to get her to sleep. We would rock and rock for what seemed like forever. And then, when I thought she was finally out, I would lay her down, and she would immediately wake back up, ready to go. I would be so frustrated. At the time, all I could think about was all the stuff I would now not get done because she wouldn't nap. And, all the "wasted" time I spent trying to rock her to sleep, when I could have been doing much more "important" things. Like laundry or some other mundane task.

Wasted time. I cringe now as I remember it. What I wouldn't do to just get back one more time of rocking her. All the laundry that could have waited while I spent quiet moments with my beloved child. The child that looks like me, acts like me. The one I love more than the stars in the sky. Wasted time...how stupid I was.

 I think that's the reason, now, why I'm so insistent on rocking Jacob to sleep for his naps. Although, many times, he isn't wholly on board with me. He would sometimes rather just lie down on his own. But, the regret I have with Sofia comes bubbling to the surface, so I get my way, and we sit and rock. I had made myself a promise when he was born, that I would enjoy the quiet moments and not wish these times away. Because the moments are all too brief. They pass by over time all too quickly. So, for the past two and half years, when I'm able to, we sit and we rock. I wrap my arms around my baby boy, rest my chin on his head, and breathe him in. And, when he is finally out, I rock a few more minutes, soaking up the time and branding the memory into my mind. Many times it brings tears to my eyes (such as now) because it is so precious and fleeting.

 One day, all too soon, Jacob will be too big or too old or both, and he won't want to rock with his Mommy anymore. My lap and my arms will be empty. I hope it comes much later than sooner, but like everything else in time, it is inevitable. I know that. I hate it, but I know it.

 So, for now, I treasure my time with my child. I soak it in. I wrap him up with both arms as a gift to myself, because it truly is. I will hang on for as long as I can. And, when it is time to let go, I will. Perhaps, not all that willingly, but I will. But, I do have now. I have the present. And for that I am thankful. I will use our quiet time together wisely and lovingly. Because, in those moments, time with my child is never ever wasted time.