A Life Unfulfilled

(A note before this post: I'm not exactly as miserable as this post is going to make me out to be. But, I want to be as brutally honest about my feelings as I feel them. So, if you don't want to be bummed out, don't read. It's a bit of a downer.)

Ah, yes. It's that old feeling again. I can't exactly put a name on it, but I suppose angst, longing, unhappiness, unfulfillment, or dissatisfaction would come close to an apt description. I often wonder how I got here. What turn should I have taken and when should I have taken it? What could I have done differently?

Most times I am perfectly happy with my life as it stands. I love my husband and daughter. I have family close by. It's not perfect, but things are pretty good.

But, always in the back of my mind is the thought that I'm meant to have a different life. I am not supposed to live here, work at the job that I do, live the life I live. I wake up every morning with the knowledge that time is moving way too fast, and I feel that there is something more for me out there. But, what? And, that's the question I cannot answer. I do not know.

When I was younger, I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted out of life. I knew that I was going to leave North Dakota, get a job at a magazine or a publishing company, make good money, and marry my best friend (whoever that would be). I would final travel to Italy, make photography my hobby, and own my dream home. Dreams. How simple life seems when it's viewed from an 18-year old's perspective. Sadly, that's all they remain: dreams.

Reality can be harsh. It will silently bear down on you with the force of an 18-wheeler, hitting you when you're weakest, and throwing you to the side of the road. You were prepared enough to have your proverbial seatbelt fastened, but your airbag has exploded in your face as a final insult to let you know that unhappiness will hit you when you least expect it. And, there you are bruised and sore, but essentially unhurt. You move on with life as it is, but the bruises are a reminder that somewhere along the road, you were blown off track, and you may not be as content as you thought you were.

I know I shouldn't complain. As things go, I've got a good life. I have family, friends, a roof over my head, food to eat, my health. I should want for nothing as I have more than many do. I am human, though, and more than a touch selfish. I want more. I want the days where I laughed freely and often, when I woke up in the morning and looked foward to the day instead of dreading it, when I had people I could confide in, when I felt worthy of something. Each day passes a bit too similar to the day before, and I now find myself lost in time, knowing the date on the calendar but not knowing where I am, timewise, in my life. I'm lost, and there is no map I can consult to find out where I should be.

I guess I'm just tired. I'm tired of the obligation of going to work instead of the desire. I'm tired of forced, banal, everyday chit-chat instead of a real, in-depth conversation. I'm tired of faking chuckles to sub-par humor instead of laughing gigantic belly laughs to something I truly find funny. I'm tired of putting on a happy face to life as it is instead of smiling with joy due to a life of complete satisfaction. I'm tired of existing instead of living. I want nothing more to be happy, truly happy.

Oh, who am I to whine and complain anyhow? I shouldn't. Perhaps I need to reverse my thinking and enjoy what I truly do have. I can do that. Right? Honestly, I don't know. I've never been a cup's half-full kind of person. I'm a cynic and a skeptic. If I was into new-age philosophy, I would only have to look inside myself to find happiness. Sure, sure. The thing I've been looking for has been in front of me all along, look no farther than your own front door, and all that crap. Sorry, but that's not me.

And, so it goes...

I believe the future is nothing but a pile of clay. You can manipulate into what form you want it to take and change it as you go. Be careful before deciding on its final incarnation, though. It may not turn out to be the result you were hoping to achieve, and you'll be left with nothing but an misshapen bowl waiting to be filled with regret.