Oh, Me

Worry, worry, worry.

My mind is spinning this morning with all sorts of new troubles. It's almost as if I'm riding a merry-go-round, and no one wants to let me off. I see points of reason as I'm spinning but can't focus on them long enough to formulate a thought about them. Is this how people feel when they're losing their mind?

I worry about my daughter. Every parent has that fear that their own child isn't like other children. Now, I'm having that worry. Is she where she should be for her age? Is she like other children, or is there something abnormal about her? Where are the rest of her teeth? I know that my worry for my child will never go away, but that's the problem. I need answers to questions. And, there are no definite answers for me. Nothing to really give me peace of mind. I hate it, and there isn't one thing I can do about it.

I worry about my peace of mind in general. My house is closing in around me. Space has become hot commodity, and we're running out of it. It's also not very clean or organized. It's starting to take a toll on me. I want to clean, but the thought of moving all that shit in order to clean makes me so tired my head starts to hurt. It's cluttered, dirty, and beyond my comprehension anymore. It is slowly driving me mad. I take it out on my husband, which is so beyond unfair it's incomprehensible. But, if I let if fester within myself, I'll explode. A catch-22, I suppose. Again, I hate it, and there isn't really anything I can do about it.

And, what about the rest of my family and Lee's family? Are they happy? What's going on with them? Do they need my help in any way? I know some of the answers to some of the questions. Some I don't don't. Most of the time, I choose to remain in my own world and pretend all is well. I don't like cracks in the facade of perfection, so my belief is that ignorance is truly bliss. I know perfection is unachievable. I don't have to look too far outside of my own life to recognize that. But, if everyone else is doing well, then life really can't be all that bad. So, I believe the lie. I can exist that way.

A more immediate concern: The weather. Or, more specifically the freezing rain that has chosen to fall today. Really, why? Nothing is normal about rain in February. Or driving in it for that matter. I don't like living with a knot in my stomach. But, I've got a huge one now anticipating my drive home from work. I already fear death as it is, so this is just a cruel, sadistic reminder. Why, oh why do I live here? It's a question that I ask myself every winter but seems to become more pertinent as I get older.

Sometimes it seems like it would be so easy to be a child again, when all you were concerned about was Christmas, summertime, and birthdays. When you didn't have to think about all the burdens you would have to shoulder by becoming an adult. I long for just a brief period to not think about anything important. I suppose that's why I drink too much sometimes. It's a brief escape from reality, an escape where your most pressing decision is what song to next play on the jukebox. Unfortunately, that escape can bear (bare?) some brutal consequences the next morning, which is why I do it pretty rarely these days.

My last worry: Should I publish this or not? I don't know. Does this post make me seems as if I'm manic-depressive or schizophrenic? Maybe. I don't think I am. As I've said before, I can't turn off my mind. I thought that writing them down would at least calm me, which it has. Rather cathartic. I don't want anyone who may read this to feel badly or worry too much about me. That wasn't my intent. I just needed to let go of my feelings and thoughts to stop the carousel of my mind. And, it's worked. I can concentrate now and go about my business.

Inhale, exhale, and live. That's all a person can do sometimes.