End Of The Night

Have you ever had the feeling that your thoughts are disjointed? That they feel like they don't even belong to you, they don't make sense, that they are pieces of a humongous jigsaw puzzle that can't be put together?

That's the way I've felt all day today. Like I have someone else's head on my shoulders, or something. I know the main reason I feel so out of sorts is because I haven't slept very well the last 2 nights. The reason I don't sleep: I cannot stop my mind.

My husband tells me how easy it is to fall asleep. You just do it.

Huh?

He will demonstrate for me like I don't understand the concept (which, truth be told, I don't). Close your eyes, then *snore*. Meanwhile, I listen to his snoring, going back in forth in my head about how he does this. Pretty soon my thoughts are pulsating in my mind, flashes of memories, snippets of songs, remembering tasks that will need to be completed the next day. All the while tossing and turning, trying to find exactly the right position to help me slip into unconsciousness. Nothing works.

Usually I'll fall asleep to the television. As long as I don't have to think and just watch, I'll fall asleep quite easily most of the time. But then there are nights like last night, where nothing can stop the churning of my mind. My body can feel so tired, like I can actually feel the weight of it pressing me down, but my mind races ahead, intent on solving some sort of riddle it will never find the answer to. Anxiousness begins to work its way in which starts my heart and adrenaline pumping (this doesn't help the problem at all, as you can imagine), and then the frustration begins.

I've tried relaxing exercises, different breathing techniques, sleep medication. Nothing works. Actually, in my world where nothing seems to fit right sometimes, sleep medication has the opposite effect on me. I feel more alert after I take it. It's maddening. I have found that Benadryl will do the job if I'm desperate. But, I feel so groggy the next day that it doesn't seem worth taking. I'm gonna feel groggy anyway without medication, so what's the point. It's a vicious cycle.

Then, once I do fall asleep, I begin to dream some of the weirdest dreams. And, I'm talking way out there strange. These are something even Stanley Kubrick wouldn't have been able to come up with on his best day. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes scary, but always downright bizarre. But, that's for a different posting.

So, I'm at an impasse. How do you turn off your mind? I wish there were some sort of switch that I could use. But, there isn't. I guess I'll do as I've always done and repeat the same pattern I always repeat. Hopefully someday my mind will slow down and let me rest. Until then, I guess I'll have to put up with the feeling of someone else's head on my shoulders.

No, that's not weird at all.