Have you ever had the feeling that your thoughts are disjointed? That they feel like they don't even belong to you, they don't make sense, that they are pieces of a humongous jigsaw puzzle that can't be put together?
That's the way I've felt all day today. Like I have someone else's head on my shoulders, or something. I know the main reason I feel so out of sorts is because I haven't slept very well the last 2 nights. The reason I don't sleep: I cannot stop my mind.
My husband tells me how easy it is to fall asleep. You just do it.
Huh?
He will demonstrate for me like I don't understand the concept (which, truth be told, I don't). Close your eyes, then *snore*. Meanwhile, I listen to his snoring, going back in forth in my head about how he does this. Pretty soon my thoughts are pulsating in my mind, flashes of memories, snippets of songs, remembering tasks that will need to be completed the next day. All the while tossing and turning, trying to find exactly the right position to help me slip into unconsciousness. Nothing works.
Usually I'll fall asleep to the television. As long as I don't have to think and just watch, I'll fall asleep quite easily most of the time. But then there are nights like last night, where nothing can stop the churning of my mind. My body can feel so tired, like I can actually feel the weight of it pressing me down, but my mind races ahead, intent on solving some sort of riddle it will never find the answer to. Anxiousness begins to work its way in which starts my heart and adrenaline pumping (this doesn't help the problem at all, as you can imagine), and then the frustration begins.
I've tried relaxing exercises, different breathing techniques, sleep medication. Nothing works. Actually, in my world where nothing seems to fit right sometimes, sleep medication has the opposite effect on me. I feel more alert after I take it. It's maddening. I have found that Benadryl will do the job if I'm desperate. But, I feel so groggy the next day that it doesn't seem worth taking. I'm gonna feel groggy anyway without medication, so what's the point. It's a vicious cycle.
Then, once I do fall asleep, I begin to dream some of the weirdest dreams. And, I'm talking way out there strange. These are something even Stanley Kubrick wouldn't have been able to come up with on his best day. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes scary, but always downright bizarre. But, that's for a different posting.
So, I'm at an impasse. How do you turn off your mind? I wish there were some sort of switch that I could use. But, there isn't. I guess I'll do as I've always done and repeat the same pattern I always repeat. Hopefully someday my mind will slow down and let me rest. Until then, I guess I'll have to put up with the feeling of someone else's head on my shoulders.
No, that's not weird at all.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
25 Things
This was a little something on Facebook that I filled out this morning. It was 25 random things about me, my likes, dislikes, fears, dreams, etc. I just thought it would give you a little peek into my psyche. Enter if you dare...
1. I love my family & friends.
2. I hate conflict but love to argue.
3. I love, love, love music, especially classic rock.
4. I seriously think I was born in the wrong decade, I should have been a teenager/young adult in the 70's.
5. I am in love with Jimmy Page (Jimmy Page in the '70s, not today). :) See above.
6. I am embarrassed I just said #5 "out loud".
7. My favorite thing to do is country cruise, drink beer, and listen to tunes.
8. I am really worried about my Grandma right now.
9. I worry that I'm not a very good mom. I really don't know what I'm doing.
10. I am fiercely protective of my daughter and will maim anyone who tries to hurt her.
11. I dream about being the lead singer in a rock band. Yup, embarrassed again.
12. I still want to be a d.j. at a rock station.
13. My father and I butted heads regularly when I was a teenager, but I've realized I become more like him every day, and I always loved him.
14. I often wonder if there is such a thing as a soul mate.
15. I love to read.
16. Jim Morrison is my idol.
17. I hated breast feeding with a passion but would do it again for my child (Wow, that was out of left field, even for me).
18. I am very moody.
19. I am afraid of not living anymore, being dead. It actually keeps me up at night and terrifies me to my very core.
20. I can't turn off my mind at night to sleep.
21. I slept with my baby security blanket until I graduated from college.
22. I know I'm weird and different but really don't give a shit what anyone thinks.
23. I was in 7th grade when I realized #22. It was life changing.
24. But, I can get my feelings hurt easily too.
25. I love my eyes and am glad that my daughter has them too.
1. I love my family & friends.
2. I hate conflict but love to argue.
3. I love, love, love music, especially classic rock.
4. I seriously think I was born in the wrong decade, I should have been a teenager/young adult in the 70's.
5. I am in love with Jimmy Page (Jimmy Page in the '70s, not today). :) See above.
6. I am embarrassed I just said #5 "out loud".
7. My favorite thing to do is country cruise, drink beer, and listen to tunes.
8. I am really worried about my Grandma right now.
9. I worry that I'm not a very good mom. I really don't know what I'm doing.
10. I am fiercely protective of my daughter and will maim anyone who tries to hurt her.
11. I dream about being the lead singer in a rock band. Yup, embarrassed again.
12. I still want to be a d.j. at a rock station.
13. My father and I butted heads regularly when I was a teenager, but I've realized I become more like him every day, and I always loved him.
14. I often wonder if there is such a thing as a soul mate.
15. I love to read.
16. Jim Morrison is my idol.
17. I hated breast feeding with a passion but would do it again for my child (Wow, that was out of left field, even for me).
18. I am very moody.
19. I am afraid of not living anymore, being dead. It actually keeps me up at night and terrifies me to my very core.
20. I can't turn off my mind at night to sleep.
21. I slept with my baby security blanket until I graduated from college.
22. I know I'm weird and different but really don't give a shit what anyone thinks.
23. I was in 7th grade when I realized #22. It was life changing.
24. But, I can get my feelings hurt easily too.
25. I love my eyes and am glad that my daughter has them too.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Smells Like Teen Spirit
I had a shocking thought today. I was driving into Lisbon for a meeting and had my iPod going. The song that came on was Nirvana singing "The Man Who Sold the World". I love that song, the guitar is so perfect with the mood of the song. The final guitar solo is like a cry, it almost breaks my heart (I like depressing songs, but I'll talk about that some other time). As I was listening, I did a little math in my head and realized that this spring Kurt Cobain will have been gone for 15 years. But, that wasn't the shocking thought. What shocked me was that high school seniors today were only 3 years old when he died. What?!?
Back in my day (how old do I sound now?), Nirvana was like the second coming. A little music history, if you will: Towards the late Eighty's, heavy metal was king on the radio. Hair bands. Think lots of hairspray and spandex. On men. I shudder now as I think of it. Now I'm not going to be so arrogant in my music preferences to say that I didn't listen to some of it. I loved Guns and Roses, and the occasional Whitesnake song didn't bother me too much. But, basically, it sucked.
At my high school, punk and alternative (I'm not sure if it was called that yet) music was the music of choice. The heavy metal genre was not really appreciated. And, I liked these bands just as much as the rest of my high school. The bands that we listened to on school bus trips were bands like The Pixies, 7 Seconds, The Violent Femmes, etc. We were the "weird" school. I was even told that one high school, who shall remain nameless, had a "Milnor" day during their homecoming week, where the kids dressed like the guys in our school. With mohawks and what they deemed were funny-looking clothes. As a side note: The joke is on them. How lame are they when their attempt to make fun of us makes them look even more pathetic than they already were? Wow, I guess I still dislike them as much now as I did then. Interesting.
Anyhow, around 1992, the music world was turned on its head. With the few chords of the opening guitar of "Smells Like Teen Spirit", heavy metal was left in the dust. The music was hard-edged and loud, but the angst and despair in the words were something new. The members of Nirvana dressed just like the guys in my high school, ragged jeans, t-shirts, flannel shirts, Chuck Taylor Converse All-stars. Their hair was long, but without one trace of hairspray. It made the hair bands' songs about sex and women, their spandex and hair-sprayed 'dos, everything about them look totally ridiculous. Those opening guitar chords were the death knell of hair bands. My school wasn't sorry to see them go.
As with every music genre, once the big one hits, aftershocks are soon to follow. Nirvana firmly established itself as the "band" of the alternative scene. Since they were out of Seattle, many bands from the city were suddenly given their chance; Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Screaming Trees. It was a good time.
Then, in the spring of 1994, the music world was shocked to learn of Kurt Cobain's suicide. I remember where I was when I heard the news. I suppose it was my generation's Kennedy or Lennon moment. I'm sure people wondered what would have made him do it, Nirvana were still the best of the best, and he had a wife and daughter. But, he was also holding a whole generation of music fans on his fragile shoulders. Not an easy task for anyone, and especially for someone like him. He had never asked to be the voice of a music generation, so he silenced his. Life can be just too hard.
So, it saddens me now that high school kids these days don't have a memory of a living Kurt Cobain, that Nirvana's music is probably considered old. I really don't know what kids are listening to these days. I've heard some of it, and I am thoroughly unimpressed. To be brutally honest, most of it is crap. Between the hip-hop and pop crap, there are a few bands and songs that are worth listening too. Not many though.
So, why did I write this? Because I'm getting older? Maybe. Because kids these days don't really know what good music is or what it could be? Possibly. I think I just wrote it because I'm still sad that Kurt Cobain is gone, that the music he could have created won't be heard, that his music still touches a nerve inside me.
15 years almost...what was and what never will be. How sad.
Back in my day (how old do I sound now?), Nirvana was like the second coming. A little music history, if you will: Towards the late Eighty's, heavy metal was king on the radio. Hair bands. Think lots of hairspray and spandex. On men. I shudder now as I think of it. Now I'm not going to be so arrogant in my music preferences to say that I didn't listen to some of it. I loved Guns and Roses, and the occasional Whitesnake song didn't bother me too much. But, basically, it sucked.
At my high school, punk and alternative (I'm not sure if it was called that yet) music was the music of choice. The heavy metal genre was not really appreciated. And, I liked these bands just as much as the rest of my high school. The bands that we listened to on school bus trips were bands like The Pixies, 7 Seconds, The Violent Femmes, etc. We were the "weird" school. I was even told that one high school, who shall remain nameless, had a "Milnor" day during their homecoming week, where the kids dressed like the guys in our school. With mohawks and what they deemed were funny-looking clothes. As a side note: The joke is on them. How lame are they when their attempt to make fun of us makes them look even more pathetic than they already were? Wow, I guess I still dislike them as much now as I did then. Interesting.
Anyhow, around 1992, the music world was turned on its head. With the few chords of the opening guitar of "Smells Like Teen Spirit", heavy metal was left in the dust. The music was hard-edged and loud, but the angst and despair in the words were something new. The members of Nirvana dressed just like the guys in my high school, ragged jeans, t-shirts, flannel shirts, Chuck Taylor Converse All-stars. Their hair was long, but without one trace of hairspray. It made the hair bands' songs about sex and women, their spandex and hair-sprayed 'dos, everything about them look totally ridiculous. Those opening guitar chords were the death knell of hair bands. My school wasn't sorry to see them go.
As with every music genre, once the big one hits, aftershocks are soon to follow. Nirvana firmly established itself as the "band" of the alternative scene. Since they were out of Seattle, many bands from the city were suddenly given their chance; Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Screaming Trees. It was a good time.
Then, in the spring of 1994, the music world was shocked to learn of Kurt Cobain's suicide. I remember where I was when I heard the news. I suppose it was my generation's Kennedy or Lennon moment. I'm sure people wondered what would have made him do it, Nirvana were still the best of the best, and he had a wife and daughter. But, he was also holding a whole generation of music fans on his fragile shoulders. Not an easy task for anyone, and especially for someone like him. He had never asked to be the voice of a music generation, so he silenced his. Life can be just too hard.
So, it saddens me now that high school kids these days don't have a memory of a living Kurt Cobain, that Nirvana's music is probably considered old. I really don't know what kids are listening to these days. I've heard some of it, and I am thoroughly unimpressed. To be brutally honest, most of it is crap. Between the hip-hop and pop crap, there are a few bands and songs that are worth listening too. Not many though.
So, why did I write this? Because I'm getting older? Maybe. Because kids these days don't really know what good music is or what it could be? Possibly. I think I just wrote it because I'm still sad that Kurt Cobain is gone, that the music he could have created won't be heard, that his music still touches a nerve inside me.
15 years almost...what was and what never will be. How sad.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Jennie's Addiction
I am an addict. Not to any chemical substance, nothing like that. I'm an addict to a series of books that I only recently became aware of. But, I'll begin with a little background first.
When it comes to music, movies, and books, I jump into things wholeheartedly that I love. I always have. When I was younger, I would watch certain movies over and over, read books 2, 3, or more times, listen to a song, rewind the tape, and listen to it again. I've seen the movie "Rocky" more than 30 times, read the Sweet Valley High series through more than once (some books many times), heard "Light My Fire" thousands of times. Anyone who knows me a little knows how much I love Jim Morrison. Besides owning many t-shirts bearing his face, I have every Doors cd, posters, videos, numerous books (that I've read over and over), basically whatever I could get my hands on. I even took a graduation photo with all my Doors stuff. Obsession is probably what it would have been called. I called it a hobby. But, again, that's a different story for another time. Long story short, I was gung-ho. It's how I am.
So that leads me to my latest addiction, the "Twilight" series. For Christmas my sister gave me the novel "Twilight". When I first opened the gift, I was a little curious. If I'd heard about the book, it wasn't registering with me. She explained that it was the novel that teenage girls were going nuts for, that the movie they had just released about it had girls lining up hours beforehand to see it. She had never read it, but one of her students had, and she had told her it was a love story between a girl and a vampire. I was intrigued.
I started reading it a few days afterward. I started it like any other book I had ever read, reading fast. I've always been a fast reader (I think it has to do with the limited patience I have, which I talked about earlier), but I soon was reading faster than I had read any previous book, scanning the page rapidly, then turning the pages quickly. I would sometimes read things in too much of a hurry because I would get confused at certain parts and have to turn the pages backwards and start rereading to figure out the characters' situation.
I would start reading when I would put my daughter to bed, which would only give me about an hour and a half. Then, I would have to force myself to close the book and go to bed. I would be anxious the next day, waiting until I could start reading again. But, I had a new feeling of anxiousness reading this book that I'd never felt before. I didn't want to the story to end. Rationally, I knew it didn't end with that first book, anyhow. There were 4 books in the series, but I didn't have them. Without going into too much detail (Ha!), I finally procured the last 3 novels of the series. I finished the second book in one day. While waiting for the final 2 to arrive in the mail (the books I talked about in a previous post), I decided to reread the 1st novel. My husband thought I was nuts, but I needed to nurse the addiction while I waited. I also wanted to reread it slower in case I missed anything the first time (which I did). Then, before starting the 3rd, I reread a few of the final chapters in the 2nd one. I'm now more than halfway through the 3rd installment, dreading finishing it but anxious to get to the final novel.
There is a reason why I dread finishing this series. I'm in love with the story of the 2 main characters, and I don't want it to end. I've always been a sucker for a love story, even the most unhappy ones (i.e. Romeo and Juliet), but this one is different in a way that I can't put my finger on. There is something about the love of Edward and Bella that has me totally enraptured. I know when I finish the last novel, I'll start the 2nd one again and go through the series once more. And, in time, I know I'll read all 4 books again. The obsession will rear its ugly head once again, but I don't care. I just love Edward and Bella's story, addiction be damned. And, reading is only a hobby anyway, right?
Right.
P.S. I had read somewhere that the author was working on a followup to the series in a retelling of "Twilight", only told in Edward's words. I looked into it, and it is true. But, before she could publish it, someone leaked out chapters on the internet. She was understandably upset by this and has put off completing Edward's novel indefinitely. This breaks my heart. My one saving grace about finishing this series (which is almost causing me physical pain) was that I would have something else to look forward to. And, now I don't know when or if that will even happen. I'll just have to hold out hope...and patience. Okay, just hope. At least the movie is coming out on DVD soon. That should be the fix I need for now.
And, in case you were wondering: Yes, I am this melodramatic all the time. I just don't usually express it outwardly, keeping it firmly entrenched in my mind. People find me a little less crazy that way. Aren't you the lucky ones? :)
When it comes to music, movies, and books, I jump into things wholeheartedly that I love. I always have. When I was younger, I would watch certain movies over and over, read books 2, 3, or more times, listen to a song, rewind the tape, and listen to it again. I've seen the movie "Rocky" more than 30 times, read the Sweet Valley High series through more than once (some books many times), heard "Light My Fire" thousands of times. Anyone who knows me a little knows how much I love Jim Morrison. Besides owning many t-shirts bearing his face, I have every Doors cd, posters, videos, numerous books (that I've read over and over), basically whatever I could get my hands on. I even took a graduation photo with all my Doors stuff. Obsession is probably what it would have been called. I called it a hobby. But, again, that's a different story for another time. Long story short, I was gung-ho. It's how I am.
So that leads me to my latest addiction, the "Twilight" series. For Christmas my sister gave me the novel "Twilight". When I first opened the gift, I was a little curious. If I'd heard about the book, it wasn't registering with me. She explained that it was the novel that teenage girls were going nuts for, that the movie they had just released about it had girls lining up hours beforehand to see it. She had never read it, but one of her students had, and she had told her it was a love story between a girl and a vampire. I was intrigued.
I started reading it a few days afterward. I started it like any other book I had ever read, reading fast. I've always been a fast reader (I think it has to do with the limited patience I have, which I talked about earlier), but I soon was reading faster than I had read any previous book, scanning the page rapidly, then turning the pages quickly. I would sometimes read things in too much of a hurry because I would get confused at certain parts and have to turn the pages backwards and start rereading to figure out the characters' situation.
I would start reading when I would put my daughter to bed, which would only give me about an hour and a half. Then, I would have to force myself to close the book and go to bed. I would be anxious the next day, waiting until I could start reading again. But, I had a new feeling of anxiousness reading this book that I'd never felt before. I didn't want to the story to end. Rationally, I knew it didn't end with that first book, anyhow. There were 4 books in the series, but I didn't have them. Without going into too much detail (Ha!), I finally procured the last 3 novels of the series. I finished the second book in one day. While waiting for the final 2 to arrive in the mail (the books I talked about in a previous post), I decided to reread the 1st novel. My husband thought I was nuts, but I needed to nurse the addiction while I waited. I also wanted to reread it slower in case I missed anything the first time (which I did). Then, before starting the 3rd, I reread a few of the final chapters in the 2nd one. I'm now more than halfway through the 3rd installment, dreading finishing it but anxious to get to the final novel.
There is a reason why I dread finishing this series. I'm in love with the story of the 2 main characters, and I don't want it to end. I've always been a sucker for a love story, even the most unhappy ones (i.e. Romeo and Juliet), but this one is different in a way that I can't put my finger on. There is something about the love of Edward and Bella that has me totally enraptured. I know when I finish the last novel, I'll start the 2nd one again and go through the series once more. And, in time, I know I'll read all 4 books again. The obsession will rear its ugly head once again, but I don't care. I just love Edward and Bella's story, addiction be damned. And, reading is only a hobby anyway, right?
Right.
P.S. I had read somewhere that the author was working on a followup to the series in a retelling of "Twilight", only told in Edward's words. I looked into it, and it is true. But, before she could publish it, someone leaked out chapters on the internet. She was understandably upset by this and has put off completing Edward's novel indefinitely. This breaks my heart. My one saving grace about finishing this series (which is almost causing me physical pain) was that I would have something else to look forward to. And, now I don't know when or if that will even happen. I'll just have to hold out hope...and patience. Okay, just hope. At least the movie is coming out on DVD soon. That should be the fix I need for now.
And, in case you were wondering: Yes, I am this melodramatic all the time. I just don't usually express it outwardly, keeping it firmly entrenched in my mind. People find me a little less crazy that way. Aren't you the lucky ones? :)
Monday, January 19, 2009
I Watch Too Much TV
(I originally wrote this January 9 on my Facebook page, but thought I would copy it to here also.)
Although this may turn into a Dennis Leary-type rant, I need to express my anger somewhere. Here goes...
Yesterday, while reading the Fargo Forum, I came across an article that said due to negotiations between Hoak Media and DirecTV falling through, KXJB Channel 4 would be removed from my channel lineup starting at 5 p.m. What in the hell?!? After further investigation, I found out that Hoak Media wants DirecTV to pay more to them for the right to broadcast CBS. Apparently they feel they should be receiving the same monetary compensation as affiliates in L.A. or Chicago, as explained by General Manager Charley Johnson.
Now, hold the phone. I am not going shun my proud North Dakota roots and crap on Fargo, but last time I checked our largest city was not exactly in the big-league size as Los Angeles. Not even close. So, I don't understand how they feel they should be getting the same as those affiliates. And, Hoak isn't even willing to let DirecTV broadcast KXJB while they continue to negotiate. So, fade to black.
But, I write this note, not as a bitch-slap towards Hoak Media or Charley Johnson (although I think they each may deserve one), but as a loyal television viewer. I love that electronic device that sits on its perch in my living room. And, I love CBS shows. CSI, Cold Case, Two and Half Men, so many more that beam into my living room every night. I am pissed off that they were taken away from me. I'm pissed that I cannot watch two NFL football games this weekend. And, if this little pissing match continues between Hoak and DirecTV, I might not get to watch the NCAA Final Four. Now I'm super-pissed.
I know this could be a good experience for me and my husband. Addiction in any form is never a good thing. We could use this as a learning and growing experience, free from the constraints of the monkey on our back that is television. But, come on. We are who we are. We don't like change.
I just want my channel back. Right now the craving isn't too bad, but in the near future I'll need to get my CBS fix. I hope they can figure it out, or maybe DirecTV can put a different affiliate in KXJB's slot. I don't care. Whatever gets CBS streaming into my living room again is good enough for me.
I know I went on longer than I needed to. And, nobody will probably read this anyhow. But, I feel better just letting my frustration out. And, as always, the first step is admitting you have a problem. Now what's step 2?
As a footnote, Charley Johnson suggested that while we customers wait this out, we can still receive KXJB over a rooftop antenna. No problem, except everyone has removed them. Aren't they supposed to be obsolete next month? That's what a little message I see every night on KX-4 has told me. Well, until 5 o'clock last night that is.
Although this may turn into a Dennis Leary-type rant, I need to express my anger somewhere. Here goes...
Yesterday, while reading the Fargo Forum, I came across an article that said due to negotiations between Hoak Media and DirecTV falling through, KXJB Channel 4 would be removed from my channel lineup starting at 5 p.m. What in the hell?!? After further investigation, I found out that Hoak Media wants DirecTV to pay more to them for the right to broadcast CBS. Apparently they feel they should be receiving the same monetary compensation as affiliates in L.A. or Chicago, as explained by General Manager Charley Johnson.
Now, hold the phone. I am not going shun my proud North Dakota roots and crap on Fargo, but last time I checked our largest city was not exactly in the big-league size as Los Angeles. Not even close. So, I don't understand how they feel they should be getting the same as those affiliates. And, Hoak isn't even willing to let DirecTV broadcast KXJB while they continue to negotiate. So, fade to black.
But, I write this note, not as a bitch-slap towards Hoak Media or Charley Johnson (although I think they each may deserve one), but as a loyal television viewer. I love that electronic device that sits on its perch in my living room. And, I love CBS shows. CSI, Cold Case, Two and Half Men, so many more that beam into my living room every night. I am pissed off that they were taken away from me. I'm pissed that I cannot watch two NFL football games this weekend. And, if this little pissing match continues between Hoak and DirecTV, I might not get to watch the NCAA Final Four. Now I'm super-pissed.
I know this could be a good experience for me and my husband. Addiction in any form is never a good thing. We could use this as a learning and growing experience, free from the constraints of the monkey on our back that is television. But, come on. We are who we are. We don't like change.
I just want my channel back. Right now the craving isn't too bad, but in the near future I'll need to get my CBS fix. I hope they can figure it out, or maybe DirecTV can put a different affiliate in KXJB's slot. I don't care. Whatever gets CBS streaming into my living room again is good enough for me.
I know I went on longer than I needed to. And, nobody will probably read this anyhow. But, I feel better just letting my frustration out. And, as always, the first step is admitting you have a problem. Now what's step 2?
As a footnote, Charley Johnson suggested that while we customers wait this out, we can still receive KXJB over a rooftop antenna. No problem, except everyone has removed them. Aren't they supposed to be obsolete next month? That's what a little message I see every night on KX-4 has told me. Well, until 5 o'clock last night that is.
The Waiting is the Hardest Part
I am not a patient person. I never have been. I hate waiting on anything, people to return phone calls, answers to questions, someone to make up their mind, waiting for anything. I know in theory that patience is a virtue and all good things come to those who wait, but I am not able to abide by that philosophy. The anxiousness that takes over when I'm waiting on something that I want or need completely consumes me sometimes. I suppose that makes me childish in a way. But, then again, I've never claimed to be the most mature person I know. Quite the opposite. But, that's a different story.
I have gotten better over the years. When I was younger, my impatience was almost palpable. I would practically be bouncing off the walls if I was waiting on someone or something. As I've grown older, I've learned to keep myself in control. Well, that's a half-truth, at least now I make an attempt. There are times that I blow a proverbially gasket. I can only hold on for so long before something's gotta give. Sadly, easy frustration and a short temper accompany my limited patience. It's probably a psycho-analyst's perfect case study; an anger management trifecta.
It's a good thing, then, that I married my complete opposite in personality traits. My husband is the walking definition of calm. Nothing fazes him. He doesn't lose his cool very often. If he does I am usually the culprit. When I get worked up about something, I tend to drag whoever is around me into my emotional maelstrom. The nature of the beast, I suppose. But, conversely, he's been able to pass on some of his calmness to me. I've learned that it isn't the end of the world if something doesn't happen at the exact second that I want it to. Given enough time, things will get done. It's a mantra that I have to repeat often, but it's one I'm learning to accept.
Which is why I am (as much as I can) now patiently waiting for some books I ordered to arrive. I am doing quite well. I haven't called the company to find out where they are, why it's taken so long for them to arrive, why the delivery date keeps getting pushed back. I know they will show up eventually. But, that doesn't mean I don't check the delivery schedule every half hour or so to see if it's been updated. When I see that it hasn't, I resign myself and move on. But, their arrival will be in the front of my mind until I have them in my eager hands. *Sigh*
Baby steps. Rome wasn't built in a day...
I'm glad I wasn't around for that. I couldn't even begin to imagine.
I have gotten better over the years. When I was younger, my impatience was almost palpable. I would practically be bouncing off the walls if I was waiting on someone or something. As I've grown older, I've learned to keep myself in control. Well, that's a half-truth, at least now I make an attempt. There are times that I blow a proverbially gasket. I can only hold on for so long before something's gotta give. Sadly, easy frustration and a short temper accompany my limited patience. It's probably a psycho-analyst's perfect case study; an anger management trifecta.
It's a good thing, then, that I married my complete opposite in personality traits. My husband is the walking definition of calm. Nothing fazes him. He doesn't lose his cool very often. If he does I am usually the culprit. When I get worked up about something, I tend to drag whoever is around me into my emotional maelstrom. The nature of the beast, I suppose. But, conversely, he's been able to pass on some of his calmness to me. I've learned that it isn't the end of the world if something doesn't happen at the exact second that I want it to. Given enough time, things will get done. It's a mantra that I have to repeat often, but it's one I'm learning to accept.
Which is why I am (as much as I can) now patiently waiting for some books I ordered to arrive. I am doing quite well. I haven't called the company to find out where they are, why it's taken so long for them to arrive, why the delivery date keeps getting pushed back. I know they will show up eventually. But, that doesn't mean I don't check the delivery schedule every half hour or so to see if it's been updated. When I see that it hasn't, I resign myself and move on. But, their arrival will be in the front of my mind until I have them in my eager hands. *Sigh*
Baby steps. Rome wasn't built in a day...
I'm glad I wasn't around for that. I couldn't even begin to imagine.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The Beginning of the End
I'll keep this short because I have to at this point in time (I'm at work). I decided to start another blog just for myself. I currently write one for my family, but I decided that I needed a place to record whatever I happen to want to write about at any given time. So, here it is, for better or worse. More to follow. And, for that, I'm sorry. ;)
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